


The One and Only You

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Carmen is sassy, Death Threats, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Hidden Relationship, I miss this babe already, Light Smut, Sadness, Scared Barba, Season 17 Feels, Shopping, Squad Night, TBH forgot I wrote this whoops, THIS IS SO CUTE, Trial prep, hurt comfort, squad goals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-15 18:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Imagine inadvertently revealing your relationship with Rafael to the squad post death threats and the ensuing chaos.





	1. My Rock in the Storm

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m still coping and I’m working on the next part of Demons, but I thought this would be a nice little interlude to that. I kinda forgot I even wrote it cause it was so long ago. I’m currently watching Twenty Five Acts lol. 
> 
> I think what makes the loss of Barba so raw for me is just the prospect of saying goodbye to a character I cared so deeply for. He was my first exposure to Raúl Esparza who is my hands down favorite actor rn. I’m going through some big changes in life and Raf was there every Wednesday on SVU and it was like an hour of safe space for me. It’s kinda stupid, but he means a lot to me sentimentally and the good bye between him and Liv hurt. That’s kinda my reaction to the latest stuff...so I read this bad boy that I wrote probably sometime in June or August and I liked it so I hope you guys like it too! Let me know what you think in the comments and thanks for reading!

You burst through the door of the precinct, a myriad emotions coursing through your body. Where was he? You had only heard some of the details from Sonny, but it had been enough to have you turn around from your weekend trip to come back to New York. You needed to see him, to see for yourself that he was fine. Finally the door across the room opened and he emerged, Carisi and Liv trailing him. He was looking down, tiredly, his shoulders slumped. You wanted to hold him until he fell asleep, until those stress lines faded from his face. “Rafi,” you said softly. He looked up, his mouth falling open slightly, momentarily stunned to see you. You glanced at Liv and Sonny who also appeared to be caught off guard by your presence, they were looking, but you didn’t care-you ran to him anyway,

“Y/N, what-”

  
“You stupid, stupid, stubborn man,” you interrupted, thankful that his arms instinctively wrapped around you. Your vision was blurred by tears, 

“I’m alright,” he assured you, his hands going to your shoulders. You didn’t let him push you back though, 

“What were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell me about the threats,” you hissed, but Rafael didn’t answer. He instead leaned his cheek against yours, his hands clutching at your jacket, his soft breath tickling your ear. You could feel the tension in his frame, the rapid thump of his heart beating in his chest, revealing to you how shaken up he actually was. Reaching up and running your hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, you tried to get a hold of yourself. You stood there for what felt like forever. 

“Is there something the two of you want to tell us?” Liv’s voice startled you, causing you to jump back slightly, but you wouldn’t fully release your grip on Rafael, still holding tightly to his hand. Face reddening, you softly cursed at yourself for not having more self control. This was going to be a mess now, questions about conflicts of interest, investigations prying into your personal and professional life. This exactly was why you and Rafael hadn’t told anyone. 

“Well I hardly think I can say anything at this point that you haven’t already guessed,” you said softly.   
…..

“How long have you two been together?”   
You sighed, standing up from your seat in Liv’s office. She had promptly dragged the both of you in there for a more private discussion. 

“6 months,” Rafael admitted from where he was still seated, 

“What does it matter,” you exclaimed, “It changes nothing about work, you know that Liv,” 

“I’m afraid 1PP won’t see it like that Y/N, I wish the two of you had been more upfront about this. We could have dealt with it then, now, we might lose one of you, or both of you,” your boss said, shaking her head. Rafael stiffened slightly, 

“Liv, please, you can’t go to 1PP,” you begged, feeling frantic. This job was your life, you loved it...but you also loved Rafael. 

“I’m giving you until next week, if you decide to break up, we can let it be quiet, if not, I’m afraid I’m going to have to report this. Now get out of here, and Barba, I don’t want to hear one word of you giving your security detail a hard time,” she looked pointedly at Rafael who was quietly staring at his feet. You squeezed his shoulder, 

“Let’s go,” you whispered, wrapping an arm around him when he stood up. You rubbed his back softly before pulling away so you could leave the building. The officers drove both of you back to Rafael’s apartment in a police cruiser, and he was silent the whole way home. You didn’t care though, you weren’t in the mood to talk either, a twisted up feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. You weren’t sure if it was because of Rafael and his death threats or if it was due to Liv’s ultimatum, but either way you wanted to hold him close. You hated the way his hand shook as he tried to unlock the apartment door, the way he jumped when one of the officers accidentally knocked a book from the coffee table. You didn’t care that you weren’t alone, you just didn’t care, you needed to have him in your arms, to tell him it was okay. He was shaking, his facade of bravery crumbling more and more by the second, “Oh darling,” you whispered, “Rafi, it’s okay, you’re safe,” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he whispered, “I didn’t want this to be a big deal,” You reached up and stroked his cheek, 

“I don’t care about that, not anymore,” he nodded, his hands gripping your sides almost too hard as he leaned his forehead down against yours, “Have you eaten dinner?” you whispered, and your suspicions were confirmed when he shook his head. “Okay, you go take a nice warm shower, I’m going to pick up something to eat,” you started to pull away, but he tightened his grip, 

“Don’t go, not-not yet,” he whispered, so you stayed, standing there in his arms in the kitchen until he eventually pulled back, a strained look on his face, 

“I won’t be long, I promise,” you pressed your lips against his, glad when he managed a smile for you, 

“Don’t expect me to want to cuddle all the time now,” he said, obviously trying to make you laugh, to try and lighten the mood. 

“Only after near death experiences? I think I can work with that,” you teased, squeezing his hand before pulling out your phone to call in the food as you slipped out the door. You were back within twenty minutes, two bags of food in hand. You pushed one of them towards the police officers who were currently on Rafael’s couch, “I hope you guys like Cuban food. The guest room is down the hall if one of you wants to get some sleep at any point,” They thanked you and smiled, but you were already heading back toward Rafael’s bedroom. The shower wasn’t on, so you figured he was probably laying down. Either that or he was in his office, trying to distract himself with work. As soon as you opened the bedroom door, the faint scent of scotch filled your nostrils. You could see the outline of his body in the dark room, he was curled up in bed, on his side and facing the wall. The flickering light of the muted tv filled the room, “Rafi?” you asked softly, “I’m back, are you awake?” 

“Yeah,” his voice was barely a whisper, “I can’t sleep,” You slowly made your way over to the bed, sitting down beside him and reaching out to stroke his back, 

“I brought dinner, Coppelia’s,” you said gently, trying to coax him into eating, but he didn’t even roll over. His chest started to heave, 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered, but you were already shifting around to hug him, 

“Don’t apologize, I know, this is all a lot, you are stressed with everything from the D.A., Mike died, not to even mention your life was threatened, and then now Liv knows about us. I know all of this sucks, but it will all work out, I promise. I’ll stay right here,” you assured him, reaching around to rub your hand in circles on his chest. Rafael covered your hand with his and curling his fingers around so he was clutching it tightly, as he let all of the overwhelming emotions out. Finally he was gasping for breath, and sitting up, wiping his eyes, 

“Thank you,” he murmured, leaning back against the headboard, “You shouldn’t have come home from your vacation, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing your mother,” Instead of allowing him to keep up his irritating apologizing, you wrapped an arm around his waist, 

“No, Rafi, I wanted to come home, I needed to see that you were okay for myself. Now how about you eat this while it’s still warm,” you replied, handing him a take out container. His face brightened when he opened the styrofoam box and smelled the food. He took a bite of the lechón, before looking over at you, 

“Maybe I should get myself threatened more often,” he joked softly, leaning against your side. You stroked the skin of his thigh, right below the boxers he was wearing as you leaned your head down on his shoulder and distractedly watched the tv. “What are we going to do?” he asked softly after a bit. 

“About Liv?” you clarified, glad that he seemed to be feeling a little better,

“Yeah, I mean we both knew this couldn’t stay a secret forever. We should have figured this out sooner,” Rafael replied. You turned your head, pressing your lips to his shoulder, 

“I have no idea Rafi. Let’s not decide tonight. We can worry about it in the morning,” you suggested. He hummed in agreement, finishing his food before wrapping an arm around your shoulders. He was quiet for a long time after that before he looked at you and then back at his lap, 

“I thought I was going to die,” his voice was soft, but his words were strong, your gaze immediately going to his face. Sonny hadn’t told you much at all apparently. You stayed quiet, trying to allow Rafael to get it out of his system, “What happened in front of the courthouse, that shook me up, but the elevator, he was so close, it was just us. I thought he was going to shoot me. I thought I was never going to see you again,” Rafael looked tired, so you reached over, pulling him half on top of you so you could stroke your hand through his soft hair. He went quiet again, so you figured he was finished speaking, 

“How long has this been going on Rafael?” you whispered, feeling the sudden tension in his muscles. He let out a loud sigh, 

“Since Terrence Reynolds,” his voice was almost inaudible. Your eyes widened as you looked down at him, 

“A year?” you couldn’t help the anger in your tone, but he knew it was you worrying, “A year, why did you try to deal with this all by yourself, you don’t have to do things on your own anymore,” he didn’t reply, instead closing his eyes and throwing his arm over your waist, “What exactly happened today? Sonny didn’t tell me much,” 

“He came up to me after the Munson indictment, told me he could push me down the stairs and crack my skull open. Then today, he came into the elevator, it was just us and he was so close to me. He said someone was going to shoot me,” your frown deepened, your hold tightening on Rafael. Anger was coursing through your veins, 

“No one is going to hurt you, it’s all okay right now,” you repeated, wanting to kill whoever had made your strong man feel so vulnerable. “It’s all okay,”

  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Fabric rustling pulled you from your deep sleep, the weight shifting on the bed rousing you further. Light filtered into your vision as you blinked a few times. You were met with the sight of Rafael trying to untangle your limbs and climb from the bed, He caught sight of your fluttering eyes, whispering softly by your ear, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” his warm lips pressing against the corner of your mouth. You grabbed at his arm as he tried to pull away,

  
“Rafi, don’t leave,” you whispered, already missing his warmth in the bed.

  
“I have to call off work mi amor, I’ll be back,” Rafael promised, pressing a kiss against the back of your hand before pulling out of your grip. You shifted around, the ache in your back feeling better once you were actually fully laying down. You must have dozed off while holding Rafael the night before, your neck and back all twisted up and stiff now. Rolling over onto your stomach, you caught sight of your alarm clock, 6:30. You wanted Rafael to come back to bed, so you could cuddle into him and doze off once more. You looked up when you heard his soft footsteps, watching as he shed his wrinkled clothing from the prior day before slipping back under the covers, “Thank you for last night,” he whispered into your neck, nuzzling the area right below your jaw. He held onto you almost too tight after that, but you didn’t mind, the darkness pulling you under once more.

  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

When you awoke next, Rafael was still wrapped around you, stroking his hand down your side, his other arm holding you tightly against him. “Mmm, morning,” you whispered. Rafael hummed softly from behind you, “I’m hungry, can we get breakfast?”

  
“Sure,” something in his body language, in his tone of voice, it seemed off.

  
“Are you still upset?” you whispered, turning over to run your hand over his cheek. He shook his head, “How long have you been up?”

  
“Since 6:30,” he admitted, but didn’t say anything else on the subject so you let it go. You pulled on a pair of leggings that you had stashed in the drawer he had cleared out for you a month or two ago and then stole a dress shirt from his closet, preferring the comforting smell of his cologne to your own clothing. “I’m making pancakes,” he whispered, his arms winding around your waist from behind. You frowned slightly, he wasn’t one who was overly affectionate usually, he would sit on the couch and cuddle during a movie if you asked, he would kiss you, but this constant touching since the night before, it was so different from his usual self. Then again, his life had just been threatened, and he seemed to be needing some extra reassurance,

  
“What’s the occasion?” you asked softly, he usually only made you your favorite breakfast on special occasions. 

“Nothing,” he said softly, his lips trailing up the back of your neck over each vertebrae, “I just love you,” you wouldn’t complain about the special treatment. 

“Let’s go then,” you whispered, grabbing his hand and dragging him from the room. Rafael’s face soured slightly when he was met with the sight of two police officers on his couch, but he didn’t say a word, instead getting ingredients from the fridge to start making breakfast. You sat down on one of the stools at the island, running your fingers through your messy hair. You threw it up into a bun, watching appreciatively as your man started to whisk things together. Another time, he might have gifted you with a little shimmy of his hips here and there or a goofy smile, maybe if he was still tipsy from the night before he would sing you something, but today he was all business. He did smile handsomely when he set a plate full of fluffy chocolate chip pancakes in front of you before taking a seat to your left.

“Mmmm,” you whispered, closing your eyes at the first taste, “How the hell do you do this?”   
“

It’s a secret, remember?” he teased, taking a bite of his own food.

“How could I forget?” you exclaimed with a laugh. He was oddly quiet after that, his eyes glued to you the whole time. He looked like he was thinking, like he was wracking his brain for an answer to something, but you didn’t ask, instead letting him try to work through whatever it was alone. “Like what you see?” you whispered, trying to make him smile. He blushed slightly at being caught staring, 

“Very much,” he replied, despite his embarrassment. He went silent after that, his eyes focused on his food, “So, I need to get some groceries,” he announced as he took the plates to the sink, “But I’m not sure if I’m allowed to go out or not. I should have put an order in for delivery yesterday but I was so busy,”   
“Let me ask. We can go together,” you whispered, heading over to the couch to try and convince his protection to allow him this one thing. He needed something normal today. You had never been so grateful to have a day off for two reasons. First, you couldn’t imagine leaving Rafael here to sit all by himself with the two police officers, and second, you didn’t want to go in and face Olivia after the day before. After a brief conversation with the officers, you and Rafael got dressed and trailed the men out to their police cruiser. Rafael intertwined your hands, resting them in his lap during the ride there. You didn’t comment, letting him do as he pleased. At this point, you weren’t sure if he was still anxious or if he was worried about Liv and 1PP, but you couldn’t deny him anything he wanted. In the store, he was clingy, his arm looped around your waist as you made quick work of your grocery list. You couldn’t put your finger on what this was, he never had been one for PDA, preferring to keep your private life exactly that. When you got home, Rafael started to unpack the food and you helped him until your phone began to ring, “Hello?” you asked, stepping away from Rafael.   
“Hey, Y/N, I’m really sorry to call you on your day off. I need you to bring me those files you took with you on vacation,” Sonny said. You sighed,

  
“Uh, okay, give me a minute,” you stepped back towards Rafael, kissing his cheek, “Darling, I have to run an errand, are you alright here?” He nodded, pulling you back for a real kiss, 

“I’ll make dinner,” he whispered, a smile on his face, but when you looked into his eyes, you could tell he was upset about something.

  
“I’m sorry I have to leave,” you murmured, hoping that was the culprit and not something else. 

“It’s fine,” Rafael assured you. You squeezed his forearm before heading out the door. Sonny was sitting at his desk when you rushed in. You wanted to get in and out of there so you could head on back home.

  
“Hey,” Sonny said with a smile, holding his hand out for the file,

“Thank you for bringing me that. How’s Barba?” you were grateful that he wasn’t acting weird around you after the day before. 

“He’s okay, a little shaken up,” you replied truthfully, “Is that everything you needed?” 

“Can you come over here and sign these files? They have your name on them,” he explained, pushing a stack of files towards you. You grumbled, but collapsed down into your chair. How the hell were you getting roped into paper work on your day off? “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about you two,” Sonny voice was soft, but you couldn’t deal with this right now, 

“Sonny, please, I can’t have you all over me too,” you whispered. 

“I didn’t mean-I just meant as a friend. I thought we were closer than that,” he was quick to explain. You sighed, going quiet as you mechanically signed the papers, before looking up at him, 

“I didn’t tell anyone Sonny, none of my friends, none of Rafael’s friends, we couldn’t risk it,” He simply nodded. All was quiet for a while more, 

“I’m sorry Liv is giving you such a hard time,” he murmured. You smiled,

“It’s her job,” 

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” Liv’s voice was kind, but it startled you, “You’re supposed to be off today and tomorrow,” 

“I asked her to bring me the Larson file,” Sonny explained, “And she’s signing off on some files,” 

“How’s Barba?” she asked softly, echoing your partner’s earlier question, 

“He’s shaken up,” you said softly, “He’ll live though. He’s making me dinner, so I need to get on home here soon,” You bit the top of the pen, looking over the file once more. You were zoning out a little bit, the words all running together. Liv was over by the tv, doing something on the whiteboards and somehow you ended up being dragged into to all of that. It was hours before you made it back out the door. The apartment was dark when you got home, candles lighting the kitchen area. Rafael was standing by the stove, wiping his hands. “What’s all this Rafi? Did I forget my own birthday or something?” He came over, a bottle of wine in hand, with a soft smile on his face, 

“No,” he whispered, “I’m glad you’re finally home,” he pressed his lips to yours before gently grabbing your hand and leading you to the table. You watched him carefully, feeling a tad under dressed in your leggings and sweater. Rafael was only wearing dress slacks and a button down, but somehow he always looked so handsome and put together. You blushed when he pulled the chair out for you, leaning down and pressing his lips against your cheek, “You look beautiful Y/N,” 

“Stop it,” you whispered, your face warm from his sweet compliments. He poured you each a glass of the wine he had bought earlier during your shopping trip and then brought over the steaks he had cooked. You looked up at him, “Seriously, what is going on?” you narrowed your eyes, 

“Can’t I just make you dinner?” Rafael said with grin, taking a seat opposite of you.

  
“Don’t avoid my question,” you replied. He looked down, 

“Not now, we can talk about it later. I want to enjoy this,” his voice was soft, worrying you slightly, but you decided that wasn’t too ridiculous of a request. You nodded, reaching out to cover his hand with your own, “How was work?” 

“Fine I guess,” you replied, taking a bite of your food, practically moaning, “Oh my God Rafael, this is so good,” 

“Well I’m glad my afternoon wasn’t completely wasted,” he joked, taking a sip of his wine. The meal was nice, you were able to talk to him and the food was delicious. Afterwards, the two of you settled on the couch,

  
“What did you do with the police officers?” you asked with a laugh, snuggling into his arms.

  
“I may have slipped them a couple hundred dollars to sit outside in their car for a little bit,” he whispered, his lips dangerously close to yours. You chuckled softly, running your thumb over his cheek, your fingers brushing through his neatly trimmed sideburns.

  
“Wow, a couple hundred dollars for some privacy, we should probably make use of that alone time,” you whispered, just inches from his mouth.

  
“Most definitely,” he breathed before locking your lips in a soft kiss. You ran your tongue across his bottom lip, but instead of opening up for you he pulled back slightly, “Slow down a little,” he whispered before leaning in once more. You let him take the reigns, sighing softly into his lips. He was slow, but he had you melting into the couch in no time. Rafael pulled back, trailing wet kisses down your jaw and neck, focusing on the spots that had you arching into him and gasping, “Bedroom?” he murmured, suckling on your earlobe. You nodded, your legs feeling like jelly when you stood up. Rafael chuckled, winding an arm around your waist as you headed back to his bedroom. You climbed on the bed, enjoying the luxurious sheets on your skin. Rafael shut the door, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he strolled towards you, his dark gaze glued on your body. You watched appreciatively as he unbuckled his belt, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before letting them pool around his thighs. He smiled at you mischievously before shimmying his hips to get his pants off. You couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You have far too many clothes on,” he murmured, climbing onto the bed and crawling between your legs. His lips were soft and sensual, moving against yours. You reached up, working your fingers into his hair as he began to inch your shirt up and off your torso. Groaning, you let go of him, letting him pull the shirt over your head. When his tongue slipped past your lips, his fingers trailed down your side and to your hip. He was so gentle, his gaze heavy with emotion as he locked eyes with you. Rafael kept his eyes on yours the whole time, soft touches and slow, tender thrusts. The intensity was almost overwhelming, his mouth by your ear, warm breath making you shiver, “I love you yeah?” his voice was breathless, almost tearful, “So much Y/N,” You tried not to read too much into the way he was behaving, instead focusing on how good he felt.

  
“I love you too Rafi,” you murmured, your fingers stroking over the damp skin of his back. He lowered his head into the crook of your neck, wet tears dripping from his face onto your skin. Feeling tears pricking your own eyes, you leaned your head against Rafael’s, your body overcome by the profoundness of the moment. You laid in his arms afterwards, playing through the intensity, the deep emotions, and intimacy of what had just happened. Rafael was wrapped around you, his arms holding you tight against his chest like if he let go, he would never see you again. You felt drained physically and emotionally, humming contentedly as he trailed his lips across your skin. You reached down, prying one of his hands from your side and lacing your fingers in his. You let yourself drift off, happy to be wrapped up in his arms. 


	2. You Never Miss the Light til it’s Burning Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s up with Rafael?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s chapter two! I’m slowly but steadily making progress on the next part of Demons. I’ll have to dig around in my folder for old stuff I’ve written and see what’s actuallt good and what isn’t. Hope you guys enjoy and as always, id love comments!

You jerked awake, gasping as you sat up. Leaning back against the headboard, you breathed out the leftover panic from your nightmare. The vivid pictures of your boyfriend lying in a pool of his blood, his once lively, loving green eyes glazed over and blank. You had shaken him over and over and over again, begging him to wake up. Losing Rafael, you couldn’t even bear the thought of it. You frowned, peeking over your shoulder. Speaking of Rafael, he was nowhere to be found. You stood up, your mind going back to his behavior at dinner, his emotion throughout the day. Deciding you couldn’t wait any longer to figure out what was going on, you pulled your panties on and fished Rafael’s button down from the floor. You buttoned it up, searching the apartment for him. His dark figure was visible in his office, his shoulders slumped. He looked like he was carrying the whole world around. “Rafi?” you said gently, “Your arms winding around his neck, “Are you alright?” you whispered, lips going to his shoulder. He reached up, covering your hand with his,

“I’m fine,” he whispered, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. You rubbed soothing circles into his chest,  
  
“Do you want me to call Liv? See if we can get you some more protection?” you murmured by his ear, but he shook his head, “You said we would talk later, it’s later. I want you to tell me right now what this is,” Panic was starting to coil in your gut, what was going on here? Rafael wouldn’t look at you, letting his head fall against the back of his chair. You reached down and brushed a wayward strand of hair from his face. You distracted yourself while he was collecting his thoughts by reminiscing about his long hair, you definitely wouldn’t mind it if he let it grow out again.

“I didn't really want to talk about this until tomorrow,” he murmured, standing up. You reached for his hand, but he pulled it back, “Um, sit down,” his voice was barely above a whisper. You did as he said, a sick feeling settling in the pit of your stomach. Your boyfriend turned around and looked at you, his face no longer gentle but rather in what you had dubbed, ‘lawyer mode’. He took a deep breath, “Y/N, you know I care about you,” he said firmly but still quiet. You nodded softly, “I really wish things could be different, but we aren’t going to work out. I think it’s time we go our separate ways and start seeing other people,” you felt tears filling your eyes, where was this coming from, but then it hit you,

“Is this because of Liv?” You asked in a low voice, desperate to keep it steady. He looked away, sighing, his face softening slightly back into the Rafael you knew and loved,

“Y/N, I can’t be the reason that you lose your job, and we both know that's the way it would go if we got turned into 1PP,” his voice was gentle, but his words felt like a truck running you over.

“Rafi, don’t-don’t do this,” you begged, your voice breaking, “I don’t care about the job-I can get another one-I can’t get another you,”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, reaching out to caress your arm, trying to provide some form of comfort, but you weren't going to let him feel better about himself. You yanked away from his hand, standing up, your cheeks glistening with newly shed tears. You raced out of there despite his objections, quickly gathering up the clothes you had taken off earlier. Needing to get out of there, you pulled on your leggings and started for the door, “Y/N!” Rafael had caught up with you, “At least let me take you home, it’s the middle of the night. I would feel better-”

“I don’t care how you feel,” you snapped, pushing past him, and trying to wipe the tears from your eyes.

“Y/N, please,” he begged, but you kept walking, pulling your phone out. It only rang twice,

“Hello?”

“Sonny, I need you to come pick me up,” you were sure he could tell you were crying,

“Are you okay? Where are you?” your partner asked, the sound of jingling keys in the background,

“A-At Rafael’s apartment,” you whispered, “Please just hurry up,”

“Do you need me to kick Barba’s ass? He’s small, I can take him,” Sonny asked softly, and you laughed a little despite yourself.

“Maybe,” you whispered, sniffling. He didn’t take long, climbing out of the car to make sure you were alright,

“What happened Y/N?” he asked gently, pulling you into a hug. You sobbed softly against him for a few minutes,

“He dumped me,” you finally murmured. Sonny shook his head squeezing you tighter,

“Here, let’s go watch a movie at my place,”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....  
  
The world looked dim, the sun didn’t shine so bright anymore, your coffee didn’t taste as good. You felt exhausted. It had been a long, long couple of days, sitting holed up in your apartment, crying into a pint of ice cream, trying desperately not to think of him. Sonny had been an amazing friend, staying at your side, trying to distract you. You sighed, pushing open the door to the squad room. “Y/N,” Sonny said, his eyes wide, a panicked look on his face. He started to say something, but not quickly enough. You froze when he emerged from Liv’s office, looking down at his phone.  
  
“Hey, Y/N,” Liv’s voice was gentle, but it alerted Rafael to your presence. You tried to act natural, moving towards your desk and draping your jacket over the back of your chair. Sonny stood up. You could feel Rafael’s eyes on you, but you could barely look at him. The uninterested look on his face, it felt so wrong. His eyes used to light up every time he looked at you, a soft look that he saved for only private moments would grace his features. It wasn’t fair.  
  
“Good morning Liv, Rafi-Rafael,” you quickly corrected yourself, cringing softly.  
  
“Detective,” Rafael said curtly, and it hurt. You had barely been able to get yourself up and into the office this morning, and this made you want to crawl under your blanket and hide forever. You were thankful when he left, uncomfortably biting your lip,  
  
“Y/N,” Liv’s voice was apologetic, but you held up a hand, silencing her.  
  
“Don’t,” you hissed. You had hoped that it wouldn’t be this awkward, that you and Rafael could still be...civil. He was easily your best friend, the person that you told everything to, but now he would barely look at you or talk to you.  
  
“Y/N,” Sonny whispered, “I got you a donut,” he pushed it towards you, and you appreciated the gesture, but you had no appetite. You just dropped your head into your hands.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
Rafael sat in his office, a guilty feeling spreading through his chest. He had to remember that he was doing this for you, for your own good. It didn’t make him feel better. Sighing loudly, he tried to push you from his mind, tried to get some damn work done. He couldn’t unsee your face, the look of misery and betrayal when he had shot down your friendly greeting. He was trying to have a clean break, and if he looked at you, if he allowed himself to get friendly, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be your best friend and not your other half. Being around you, your personality, your sense of humor that never failed to make him smile, he couldn’t look at you everyday and see what he wanted so desperately but couldn’t have. He wasn’t that strong. His phone buzzed, startling him slightly. Rafael picked it up off his desk, his heart starting to race when he saw your name. ‘I’ll be by to pick up my things in the next few weeks.’ He felt a pang of sadness, you had only just started to leave things around his apartment, a month or so ago, it was only a toothbrush, but now, you had clothes in his dresser, shampoo and conditioner in his shower, your copious seasons of Boy Meets World (seriously, how the hell are there so many episodes of one silly show) and other slightly ridiculous shows that he would gladly suffer through to watch your face light up and smile, piled on top of his tv stand. Your things made his apartment seem like home, you made his apartment warm and cozy. It had never felt so empty than the past couple of days when he sat at home, two police officers there to babysit him as he tried to come to terms with his decision. He hadn’t made it lightly by any means, but 6 months of bliss was not easily forgotten. Tapping his fingers on the desk, he let out a long, tortured sigh, he couldn’t deny that he was tempted to beg you to take him back, to hold him again, he still had a constant flutter of anxiety in his gut, you had been so understanding, holding him and kissing him and reassuring him-BANG BANG-the knocking on the door sounded like gunshots. Or maybe that was just his imagination. Either way, Rafael jumped, his heart leaping into his throat. It was so loud, thumping in his chest so hard he could feel it in his head.  
  
“Mr. Barba?” Carmen said softly. He gulped, looking up at his assistant. It was okay, he was safe, he was fine. There were two police officers sitting outside his office at that exact moment. He hated that he had to remind himself of that.  
  
“What?” he asked softly,  
  
“The detectives are here to see you,” she said, and by the look on her face, he knew that included you.  
  
“Send them in,” Rafael stayed seated, his muscles slightly tense. He needed to not lead you on, to not make this any worse than it had to be. He tried not to watch you too obviously when you came in, but he couldn’t help the feelings of protectiveness that overcame him when he thought of you. The last thing Rafael ever wanted was for you to get hurt in anyway. He felt a pang of concern at your appearance, you looked thinner, like you weren’t eating, dark bags under your eyes and red puffiness that could only come from crying. Sonny was right behind you, a comforting hand on your shoulder, “Detectives,” Rafael said, surprising himself with a nonchalant, steady voice, “What can I do for you?” he asked softly,  
  
“We’re here for witness prep,” Sonny said, looking slightly confused, and shit-had he seriously forgotten he scheduled prep for today? “Liv and Fin are out by the car, they’ll be here soon,” the detective added,

“Sorry, I’m a little out of sorts, take a seat. Uh, I’m going to grab a few files from Carmen, and when the other two get here, we can start,” he said, trying to figure out how the hell he had forgotten this. Rafael headed out to his assistant’s desk, “Did you know I scheduled prep for today?”

“Yes Mr. Barba,” Carmen said, still typing an email, but she didn't say a word after that. He was beginning to get frustrated, what the hell was this? What hadn’t she told him?

“Care to enlighten me as to why you didn’t tell me about it?” He asked, grabbed the files he needed from her desk.

“I did, this morning when you came in,” His assistant replied. What had happened this morning? Oh….he had been miserable the night before, his apartment was so lonely without you. He had lost count of his drinks which resulted in a horrible hangover. He vaguely remembered Carmen talking his ear off when he got into the office, before he had been able to drink a cup of coffee. Needless to say, he had missed almost everything she had told him.

“We’re going to need to discuss when you talk to me about my entire day, preferably after I’ve had coffee Carmen,” she laughed at that one and promised to give him a chance to wake up before going over important things in the morning. Rafael sighed and started to go into the room, but stopped when he heard your soft voice,

“Sonny, I-I can’t do this,” your words pierced his heart, “I-I need to leave. I can’t be here with him. It’s too much,” Rafael hated this.

“Y/N, it’s only like an hour, I’ll take you out to dinner tonight, you need to make it through one hour with Barba,” Sonny’s voice was gentle, and Rafael had never been more grateful for the detective’s kind nature. He couldn’t bear the thought of you being miserable and all by yourself because of him. He took a deep breath, stepping into the room,

“Would either of you like some coffee?” he asked, trying to act like he hadn’t been eavesdropping.

“We’re fine,” Sonny said flatly. Rafael poured himself a new cup, setting the files down on the table. A knock on the door startled him again, hot coffee splashing onto his wrist and hand. He hissed, grabbing napkins to wipe up the new mess he had just made,

“Sorry to startle you Barba,” Liv said kindly, “You shouldn’t have that protection detail trailing you for too much longer,” Good, he wanted this whole thing to be over so he could try to pick up the pieces that were left of his life.

“Y/N, you left this in the car,” Fin said from the door, a hanger with Rafael’s shirt hanging from it, encased in plastic. Rafael was about to interject and save you from having to do anything, but you stood up before he could say a word, taking the hanger and stepping towards him,

“Here, I had it dry cleaned,” you pushed it into his hands, taking a step back,

“Thanks,” was all he could say. Rafael took a moment, he almost wished you hadn’t saved him the trouble of having it dry cleaned. He wouldn’t have minded one last time of smelling your fruity perfume on his clothes. He could see the stress lines on your face, the way you bit your lip and ran a hand through your hair, and he couldn’t watch you suffer like that. “Y/L/N,” he said, your last name feeling foreign on his tongue. He hadn’t called you that in ages, “I don’t think I’m going to need you for this case, you can go,” Rafael was taken aback slightly when tears filled your eyes again before you rushed out of the room,

“Liv,” Sonny said softly, standing up,

“Go ahead Carisi,” the other detective ran out after you. Rafael wanted to collapse into his chair, what had he done now? He was only trying to help, but somehow he had made it worse yet. Liv came over, putting a hand on his shoulder, “She’ll be okay Barba,” she whispered, but Rafael didn't feel any better about it,

“Not helping,” he whispered, “Let’s just do the trial prep,” this was exhausting.

……………

You were sitting in your car when Sonny caught up with you, sliding into the driver’s seat. Trying to pretend that you were okay, you turned away from him, but he knew. “Y/N, what’s wrong now? I thought you didn’t want to be around Barba,” You wiped at your wet eyes,

“Does he really hate me so much that he can’t even be in the same room as me for an hour?” you asked softly. Sonny reached over to rub a soothing hand over your back,

“I think he was trying to be nice, he doesn’t hate you. He’s trying to do what he thinks is best for you,” your partner said, but that was the thing. Rafael was doing what he thought was best for you, he didn’t even ask what you thought. He had dumped you out of absolutely nowhere, and left you miserable and all on your own. You hated that he could make you this upset, but 6 months of practically being together every minute to him barely even looking at you anymore was almost more than you could bear. You couldn’t say you hadn’t contemplated transferring, but you liked your job, you liked your partner and you didn’t want to move.

“You’re probably right, I wish he’d just let me make decisions instead of deciding for the both of us though,” you whispered,

“No one is perfect, I know how much this sucks though. I’m going to head back inside right now, but tonight some of my law school friends are going out. You wanna come with me?” Sonny replied. You nodded, leaning back in your seat,

“I’m alright, go ahead and get the prep done. I’ll get us some coffee,” your voice was soft, you were tired of all of this. You needed to do something fun, to get out of the damn house and going out with Sonny seemed like as good an option as any.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....  
  
It had been more than a week since Rafael had last seen you. He ached to talk to you, to tell you about the D.A. calling to tell him that he was highly satisfied with his work recently, to tell you about his dinner with his mother, he wanted to tell you about all the things that he was excited about because you were his best friend, his other half, but not anymore and he had no one else to blame for that than himself. He sighed, taking a long sip of his coffee, he had been sleepless lately, his bed too cold and empty, his apartment lonely. The phantom sounds of night were enough to make his heart skip a beat, paranoia overtaking him. Rafael had not had much sleep. He sighed, pushing the doors to the precinct open. He was going to be kind, but not overly so, he wouldn’t make you cry today which would be more than he could say for the past few times you had run into each other. Carisi was at his desk, the door to Liv’s office was shut, Fin and Amanda were in an interrogation room talking to the perps, but your desk was empty, no bags, no coat, no you. “Hey Carisi,” he said, setting his briefcase down on the table. The other man barely looked up, and Rafael sighed, he had more than one person pissed off at him, “Where’s Y/N?”  
  
“Liv sent her home,” the detective said, and if it wasn't for the pointed look Sonny was sending in his direction, Rafael would have assumed you were sick.

“Is there something you would like to say to me detective?” Rafael asked dryly, earning a glare from Sonny. The other man stood up from his desk, taking a few steps closer to Rafael, who had to make himself breathe, This was Carisi, he wouldn't hurt him. He hated having to tell himself that, but the officers who were constantly trailing him around wouldn’t let him forget for a second. He stood up straight, not backing away like his brain was screaming at him to. Sonny poked an accusatory finger into his chest,

“You broke her,” he hissed, “She’s miserable and it’s all your fault, you could at least talk to her,” Rafael bristled slightly, what right did Sonny have talking to him like this. It wasn’t any of his business anyways,

“I don’t owe you an explanation Carisi. She’ll find someone else in no time,” he countered, glad when Liv’s door opened.

“Barba, come in,” Liv called. He grabbed his things, heading into her office and taking a seat, “Coffee?”

“No, thank you, but I’ve had 4 cups today already,” Rafael replied. He went quiet before looking up at her, “You sent Y/N home? Is she…alright?”

“Do you really want to hear the answer?” Liv asked softly. Rafael thought about it before nodding, he would rather know than be in the dark, “She’s struggling, today particularly, she was crying when she came in this morning, Carisi found her crying after lunch in the conference room, I just didn’t think she was emotionally stable enough to be here. I’m hoping she’ll feel better tomorrow,”

“Tell me I did the right thing,” he whispered, sighing softly, “I didn’t want to hurt her,”

“I can’t make that judgement Rafael, maybe talk to her. This was a decision both of you needed to make,” Liv suggested. Rafael took a deep breath,

“I’ll see what I can do, let’s uh, let’s get talking about the case now,”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
Rafael had meant to talk to you the next day, but with court and paperwork, he didn’t end up actually seeing you for another week. He smiled widely when he walked into the precinct and you were there. He couldn’t help but appreciate that you were wearing his favorite shirt. He made his way over to your desk, “Morning Y/N,” he said kindly. You kept your eyes glued to the file on your desk,  
  
“Counselor,” your voice was indifferent and lacking the usual warmth that he loved. He missed the way you said his name. Rafael felt bad for the way he had talked to you the week before. He hadn’t realized how much it hurt.  
  
“Can I-”  
  
“Y/N, someone here to see you,” Sonny called from across the room. Rafael blanched when he caught sight of the tall man who entered the room, an arm full of flowers.

“Ezekiel?” You said, your voice full of surprise as you looked up, “What are you doing here?” Rafael felt his smile from earlier melt into a frown. The man grinned in a way that Rafael would describe as sleazy, but he couldn't say the man wasn’t good looking. He actually reminded him of himself in more than a few ways, the dark hair, green eyes, his strong jawline, but he was quite a bit taller than Rafael.

“I know we just had dinner last night, but I wanted to see you again. I thought it might be fun to go out for lunch,” the man said, and Rafael couldn’t count the number of times he had yearned to do exactly that, but in your efforts to keep your relationship private, that had been impossible. This guy was already giving you more than he could. The closest he had ever come to something like this was when he had sent you roses and a teddy bear on your birthday, no card or anything that could get him caught, but you had loved them. He wished he would have done it more.

“I don’t know, I have a lot to do-”

“Go ahead Y/N, have a nice lunch,” Liv called. You smiled, standing up and grabbing your jacket after putting the flowers on your desk. Rafael felt a twisting feeling of dread coil in his gut when Ezekiel wrapped an arm around your waist and the two of you disappeared out the door.

He turned towards Sonny, “When did that happen?” he asked softly.

“What? Ezekiel? He went to night school with me, I introduced them last week,” Carisi said, looking at Rafael curiously, “Don’t look so surprised Barba, you were the one who said she would find someone in no time,” Rafael shook his head, heading over to one of the side room. He needed a minute. He collapsed down into a chair, his head going into his hands, he didn’t even know why he was here anymore. All he could think about was you; why had he been so stupid? Why had he let you go? Why hadn’t he stopped worrying about what he thought was “right” and talked to you?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....  
  
Rafael glared into his drink, swirling the amber liquid around. He should be happy right now. He had just put a horrible, horrible man in jail for the rest of his life, but instead he couldn’t think about anything but how Ezekiel’s hand was too low on your back, the way he watched you, adoration obvious in his gaze. That look, it was one Rafael had worn thousands of times when around you whether it had been in the stage of your relationship where he was trying to deny the attraction, when you both had been dancing around the unspoken feelings or when it felt like he could finish your sentences. He told himself messy relationships were not his thing and what was messier than dating a coworker? But the way you were looking back at Ezekiel, laughing at something he said (Rafael frankly thought it was the least intelligent thing he had ever heard which was saying a lot), he knew he was lying to himself. “Hey Barba, you okay?” Liv asked softly from where she sat beside him,  
  
“I’m fine, why would you ask that?” he quickly replied despite the rising heat, the redness that was traveling up his neck. He was sure you could see the vein on his temple that liked to bulge out when he got angry.  
  
“Your knuckles are turning white Rafael,” she whispered, “Maybe you should go home,” He was about to brush her off, but why sit here and watch you act like that with him, why torture himself? Even though he probably wouldn’t think of anything other than you if he did go home, he decided there was no use in embarrassing himself.  
  
“Actually, I have an early morning so I think I am going to head out,” he announced, setting some bills down on the table and slipping into his jacket.  
  
“Barba,” he turned around at the sound of your voice, trying not to look you in the eyes, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” you said, smiling at him. He would think about that smile until he finally passed out.  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

You sat in the courtroom, watching as Rafael manipulated the defendant until he was like putty in the lawyer’s hands. He was masterful with his questions, eliciting reactions that the jury was eating up. He backed him into a corner, trapping him in his own web of lies and exposing him for what he was; a violent, dangerous predator. You couldn’t help but smile, he was so, so smart. You missed being able to breathe in the woodsy scent of his cologne, a smell that was as much home to you as your apartment. You missed the tight hugs that he would wrap you up in after a bad day, the gentle kisses he would press on your neck in the morning. You missed him. He had all but ignored you since the squad was out for drinks and that was weeks ago. You needed to talk to him, to try and patch this up. You hated that you hadn’t heard his laugh in ages, you hadn’t seen him smile. You couldn’t not be around him, you needed to have him anyway you could get him even if that just meant having drinks together or talking about work. The sound of the judge’s gavel startled you back to reality. You stood up, but he was practically racing from the courtroom, two police officers trailing him as he maneuvered down the hallway. You had to fight through hoards of people to catch up with him at the top of the stairs. “Rafael, hey! Rafi,” you called. He stopped, hanging his head before turning around,  
  
“Detective,” he said softly. Great, you were ‘Detective’ again, not Y/N, not ‘mi amor’, not what you wanted to hear from his lips.  
  
“Can we talk, please, I’m sick and tired of this tension,” you asked, stepping towards him. He avoided your gaze,  
  
“What’s there to talk about?” he hissed, looking around cautiously. He stopped talking, smiling at another attorney, before grabbing your arm to try and go somewhere more private, but you ripped your arm away from him, 

“No, I’m tired of this Rafael, I’m sick of let’s talk about it somewhere else, of putting this off. Why can’t we be friendly?” you insisted.  
  
“I don’t have time for this,” he grumbled, turning to leave. You grabbed his wrist, stopping him, “Y/N, let me go,” Rafael said dangerously, but he couldn’t intimidate you.  
  
“You did this, you broke up with me, you ignored me. Did I do something to you?” he scoffed, rolling his eyes. You were about to reply when you saw something out of the corner of your eye, and oh dear god, no. You dove in front of him as the deafening bang sounded out.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
Oh God, Oh God, Oh dear God this had to be a dream. A terrible, bad, horrible dream. It was all he could think as a heavy body pinned him to the ground. He was struggling, “Let me up,” he was hysterical. He could see you crumpled on the ground, he had to get over to you. It was only seconds before the second officer had tackled the shooter, and he was able to race to your side, but it felt like hours. He looked down in horror as you wheezed and gasped in breath, a hand clutched to your abdomen. “Y/N, why-why would you do that?” he whispered, tears dripping from his eyes onto your face.  
  
“Oh, so now you’ll talk to me,” you teased, wincing slightly. Rafael laughed, but guilt was overwhelming him, consuming him.  
  
“Shh, don’t, don’t talk,” the lawyer murmured, slipping his jacket off, but you weren’t listening to him,  
  
“Mr. Barba, we have to go,” it was one of his officers,  
  
“No,” he hissed, ripping away from the man, “I’m not leaving,” the officer didn’t argue with him, instead moving to try and shield him from the crowd.  
  
“Rafi,” you gasped, “I-I need to tell you-”  
  
“Counselor, I called an ambulance,” someone said, coming over to his side,  
  
“Good, thank you,” he whispered, not taking his eyes away from yours.  
  
“I missed your laugh,” you mused, whatever had been so important before slipping from your mind. Rafael balled up his jacket,  
  
“Is that all? What about my dashing good looks darling?” he said, trying to keep you there with him, to get this under control. Where the hell was the ambulance? He reached over to press his jacket against the wound, to get the bleeding under control. There was too much of it, bright red and dripping down the steps. You weakly swatted his hands away,  
  
“No, Rafi, not-not your jacket. That’s your favorite,” you whispered. It was his grey jacket, subtle hints of purple stitched into the fabric, and he couldn’t deny that it fit him nicely. It was indeed one of his favorites, but he couldn’t have cared less. He looked down at you, pressing his jacket against the wound,  
  
“Y/N, I can get another jacket,” he whispered, his lips curling up into a sad smile, “But I can’t get another you,” his voice broke slightly, “So don’t you dare die on me,” Him echoing your pleas from that awful night that now seemed so long ago brought tears to your own eyes.  
  
“Barba, what the hell!” Sonny exclaimed racing over, but Rafael ignored him. Your eyes were slipping shut, but he would be damned if he let you pass out.  
  
“No, you stay awake,” he insisted, but it was futile, you were quickly slipping away, “Y/N, read me my rights,”  
  
“What?” Your eyes opened again, but your gaze was unfocused,

“Read me my Miranda Rights,” Rafael repeated, grabbing for his outer coat to press on top of his suit jacket.

“You-you have the right to remain silent,” your voice was slurred and shaky, “Anything-any-”

“That’s it, keep going,” he encouraged. He was solely focused on you, he was going to get you through this. Rafael was starting to panic, as you began to shiver and cough. “Carisi!” he exclaimed, “Come over here and hold this,” Your partner took over putting pressure on your wound while Rafael gently stroked your hair, “Y/N, honey, you can rest later, please open your eyes,” he whispered, leaning down to press his lips to your forehead, but you were out of it. Finally, after what felt like hours, paramedics were helping to strap you to a gurney and after briefly squabbling with Sonny, Rafael climbed into the bus with you. He hated hospitals, they were filled with germs and stale air, but he didn’t care. He stood there, waiting to hear something, anything.

“Barba, what happened?” Liv asked, rushing into the waiting area. He was so tired,

“I-I don’t know, we were talking and then she was running in front of me and there was a bang-and she-it hit an artery, oh god she’s gonna die on me,” he dissolved into a shaking mess, curling up against Liv when she wrapped her arms around him,

“Shhh, okay, I’m going to talk to the doctor, you sit down. Carisi, Rollins, and Fin are on their way in. Should I call anyone?” his friend asked gently. Rafael couldn’t stop his sobs,

“I-I’m going to call my mom,” he managed to get out. He fished her phone out of his pocket, fresh blood coating his hands, “H-her mom, oh god, call Y/N’s mom,” Liv sat down next to him, squeezing his shoulder,

“Take a breath, we don’t know anything yet, wait until her surgeon comes out,” she whispered to him.

“But Dodds, he-”

“Y/N is not Mike, Barba,” Liv interrupted. Rafael nodded, pulling himself together,

“Okay, you’re right, I’m overreacting. Why can’t I ever think rationally about her?” Liv looked at him sympathetically, she opened her mouth to answer but the surgeon came in. She stood up. His heart thudded as he watched the man speak to Liv, and at that moment, he desperately wished he was able to read lips. All he could hear was the pounding of his racing heart, his head was spinning and time seemed to slow down. Liv was still talking to the doctors when the rest of the squad filed in,

“How’s Y/N?” Fin asked softly, but Rafael couldn’t form words.

“Well?” Sonny said, impatiently. Rafael ignored him. He couldn’t handle arguing with the detective, not when he was about to fall apart. He dropped his head into his hands, counting his breaths.

“Leave him alone Carisi,” Amanda whispered. Liv came over a few minutes later,

“Barba, can I talk to you privately for a minute?” Liv asked softly. He gulped, pushing himself up to his feet and bracing for exactly what it was that Liv could possibly want to say to him. She guided him over to another room. He crossed his arms, wishing she would blurt it out, “Y/N’s doctor said that we should call her family,” she said softly. When he let out a sob, Liv quickly added, “He didn’t say it was hopeless. She’s lost a lot of blood, they are still in surgery Rafael, but there is a risk that it could go south,”

“You call her mother,” he said, “I-I’m A positive, so is Y/N, I’m going to go give blood,” As he laid there, shaking as they drew his blood, all he could think about was the cold way he had talked to you, the way you had cried and begged him not to leave you. Why didn’t he listen? Why had he decided what was best for you both rather than actually talking with you? Rafael had been trying so desperately to do the right thing, but somehow he had managed to fuck everything up. He was told to lay there while the nurse got him some juice, so he pulled out his phone, dialing up his mother. She agreed to come to the hospital as soon as she got out of work, and he would be grateful to have her there for him. Rafael obediently sipped the sugary juice he was handed before standing up and heading to the waiting room once more.

“Mr. Barba,” the surgeon said as he walked in the room. Rafael looked up, puzzled as to why the man would be saying his name, how the hell did he even know what his name was? He stood up all the same, taking a step towards the doctor. “She’s awake and asking for you, she’s going to be in and out from the anesthesia, but she’s stable right now,” He let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding, briskly following the man through the hallways. When he slipped into the room and you were looking at him through tired eyes, he almost sobbed.

“Rafff?” you whispered, “What-what are you doing-” he quieted you, sitting in a chair beside your bed.

“Quiet, it’s okay,” Rafael reached out to grab your hand, holding it tightly. The room was silent until you peered over at him, half asleep,

“You came,” it was all you said, but guilt washed over him. Had he actually been so mean that you that you didn’t even think he would come visit you in the hospital? Not even after you got shot?

“I’ll always come mi amor,” he whispered, but your eyes were already closed. He sat there until there was a knock on the door. He recognized the woman who entered the room from pictures in your apartment, it was your mother. Four more people filed in after her, and he suddenly felt nervous, he waited for them to glare at him for breaking your heart, to ask him to leave.

“You must be Rafael, oh Y/N has told us so much about you!” she enveloped him into a hug. He stood there awkwardly, letting her cling to him and running his hand over her back like he did when you were upset. He knew how to comfort you, so he hoped this would be just as effective.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

Rafael talked to your mother for hours while you rested, hearing stories from your childhood and of old boyfriends. He knew you would be mortified, but he had sat through four hours of his own mother paging through scrap books of pictures not to even mention the box of naked baby photos. Needless to say, you were even now. Liv brought coffee for everyone after an hour or two, and Rafael couldn’t have been more grateful. He wanted to be there when you woke up. He didn’t know why you hadn’t told them about what happened, why you hadn’t told them about Ezekiel. Where the hell was Ezekiel anyways? What a boyfriend he was. Rafael ended up sitting by your bedside for most of evening. When his own mother arrived, he let her hold him tightly. That bullet had been meant for him. Afterwards, he sat there, he drank coffee, and he waited. It felt like forever before he heard rustling of sheets, pulling him out of the half asleep daze he had fallen into. Your family had stepped out to go get dinner, and Lucia had offered to help, so it was only the two of you in the room.

“Hey,” he said softly, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got shot,” you whispered, hissing softly, “You stayed?” Rafael looked over at you,

“Why wouldn’t I?” He had done so much wrong in the past few months, but now he was going to try and fix it,  
  
“Because you hate me,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes. Rafael’s eyes widened,  
  
“Oh, Y/N, I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?” he immediately said, looking at you,  
  
“Well you don’t even seem to be interested in being my friend anymore,” you looked down at your hands, emotion overtaking you, “That hurt,”  
  
“I couldn’t be around you, I love you too much Y/N, I can’t just be friends,” his voice was soft, full of guilt. You sniffled, reaching up to wipe your eyes,

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear you say that recently,” you hated what this man could do to you. You were so hopelessly head over heels for him. You couldn’t live without those green eyes looking at you like you were his whole world, without his soft voice telling you how much he loved you, without his snarky comments and loud opinions. You loved every little bit of him even when you hated his guts.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could whisper, moving to sit on the edge of your bed. He leaned down, his lips just mere inches from yours before he stopped, “I shouldn't,”

“No, no you definitely should,” you murmured back, reaching to tangle your fingers in his hair and pull him down, but pain shot through your body from the movement.

“I won’t go,” he assured you, trying to keep you from moving around too much, “But, Y/N, what about Ezekiel, I can’t-”

“I broke up with him Rafael,” you interrupted. It was his turn to have tears flood his eyes,

“I’m not too late then, to beg you to take me back?” He whispered, leaning close once more,

“You’re never too late,” you murmured, glad when he finally pressed his familiar lips against yours. You gripped onto him, not wanting to let him go for even a second, “Don’t you dare leave me again,” you whispered, your breath tickling his lips.

“Never again,” he agreed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....  
  
The white of the familiar walls, it was almost too white. You smoothed out your skirt, feeling slightly apprehensive. It had been such a long road back from your injury, months of physical therapy and work to get back to where you were. You were ready to return to your job. A hand on your shoulder startled you. “Hey, don’t look so nervous,” Rafael’s voice was soothing as always. He handed you one of the two coffees in the cup holder, taking a seat beside you. The comforting weight of his hand resting on your thigh took away some of your uneasiness. Rafael was watching you carefully, “You haven’t changed your mind have you?” his voice was soft, and you knew that if you said yes, he wouldn’t even argue with you no matter how much it hurt him.  
  
“No,” you said, looking right into his eyes, “Remember, I can get another job-”  
  
“But I can’t get another you,” he finished, laughing softly.  
  
“Mr. Barba, Ms. Y/L/N, they’re ready to see you,” the clerk said, poking his head out the door. Rafael sighed, standing up and straightening his clothes,  
  
“Ready?” he asked softly, reaching for your hand,  
  
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” you replied. You strolled through the door together, prepared to face the future. 


End file.
